Emotional connections are something that cannot be denied. There are those people that you come across in your life and you just know they mean something to you, right down to the marrow in your bones. You touch them and you feel a hum, a shift, or hear an audible "click" somewhere in your psyche that says "yes, this one fits." The older I get, the more attuned I am to those connections, and the tighter I hold on to them. The more aware I am of them, the closer I grow to those people, the more precious they are to me.

I think when I was a child, I didn't really question these connections. I just accepted them as an everyday part of life and moved on. Rather like peanut butter going with jelly... or strawberries and cream. I didn't know enough to realize what a special occurrence those connections were. Luckily I also didn't know enough to mess them up.

I'm still connected to my best friend from high school. She and I speak nearly every day, and she is the Godmother to my children. I'm the Godmother to hers as well. When she and I met, it was as if something actually slid into place inside my soul. Something said to me at the ripe old age of fifteen that THIS was somebody important to me. She's stood by me during single motherhood for both of us, a bad marriage for her... my marriage... cancer (me) miscarriages (both of us) various female maladies (both)... and men trouble on both sides of the coin. I love her second husband to bits. She has really been a rock for me during this latest emotional upheaval, and I appreciate her so very much.

I've a plethora of girlfriends who I'm also connected to in various ways, three of them have blogs that I link to, so visit them as well. They're some of the brightest, most intuitive people I've ever had the pleasure to have restore my soul. And there just aren't words for the Lunatic I call MircSpouse... (Okay there are but he gets really twitchy after I heap all those superlatives on him).

In my real life, I've been fortunate to find connections that I am not sure I could live without. Connections that when they're right, they are to me what water is to a flower in the sun. Replenishing, renewing, fulfilling, life-giving connection. The air sizzles and crackles, and everything seems so much more ALIVE when that connection is up and running. When those connections aren't up and running though, it's as if I am drowning; I cannot breathe... the world swims around me and I panic. I cannot "feel" them anymore and all is lost. This connection is a tangible thing...there is nothing tame about it.

So what then, to do when that connection is strained, or lost? It is those times that one must stand on faith. One must believe that what is to be, will be. That what has happened before, and is meant to happen again will happen, and that the greatest power of the universe cannot be stopped.

Not by us mere mortals anyway.

Various schtuff:

Firstly, this is what we do when we have too much time on our hands:

Jeff's Birthday Joke

Jeff is a very special guy, and he had a very special day. It was so worth it. Retribution I am sure will be swift and somewhat painful.

I don't know whether to be scared or happy that he would go to such lengths to figure out a way to get even with lil' ol' me. I think I shall be happy.

College is kicking my butt. I blew a deadline today. I was bent on thinking that an assignment was due Wednesday. It was actually due yesterday. I screwed that one up. Sucks. I'm having a real tough time with this class, probably due to the fact that this very difficult upper level math class comes on top of a very difficult time at work and a very difficult time at home.

Marriage counseling started this week too. I wish I could say I felt confident. I don't. I am emotionally wrapped around my own axle on this entire thing. I'm so strung out I can barely breathe. I guess this is what you call drowning in your own life.

Enough whining. I don't whine. The cosmos will either throw me a lifeline, or I'll drown. That's how it works, so if I suddenly stop posting, you'll know the line didn't come.

Today was a mixed bag...

Firstly, the soccer game. After yesterday's horrific loss, the girls bounced back and at least scored a moral victory holding on to a 0-0 tie. Stretch played very well.... she took charge of her position and was quite chatty out on the field, firing up her teammates and keeping them motivated. It was a much needed lift, and the girls are doing well after a tough weekend. They now get a bit of a break with what we hope are some easier teams. Still...on any given Sunday, anything can happen.

You must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh... the fundamental things apply as time goes by. And when two lovers woo, they still say "I love you." On that you can rely, no matter what the future brings, as time goes by.

Ever have a tune stuck in your head? That one is in mine.

This afternoon, we tortured a co-worker. Okay he doesn't know he's being tortured. Tomorrow is his birthday. We sectioned off part of his office... from floor to ceiling with plastic sheeting and then FILLED it with balloons. This after basically shrinkwrapping his desk in cellophane and tape. It's not pretty. It's not nice... it is however very effective and BEAUTIFUL. This started because this particular co-worker is quite the practical joker and decided to be mean to some of us who are older than he is.

We used nearly 800 balloons. He can't even get to his desk. I'll put up pictures and maybe a video clip as soon as I can. We're running a camera in the morning to capture his response when he sees it.

Oh it's good to be me.

In other news, I have a ton of math to do this week. I have slacked bad this weekend. Pray for me.

Cheeeeezus...

Okay, first off, I need a book. "Lacrosse for Dummies" The child plays it, I don't get it. 'Nuff said.

Secondly...we got an old fashioned thrashing today in soccer. Lordhavemercy. She's okay with it but DAYAM... Thank God for retail therapy at IKEA.

And I still hate math.

When you love someone...tell them.

Tell them everytime you feel it. You are doing them a disservice if you do not tell them.

Love loses nothing by being expressed, the light only grows by being passed on.

Light someone up... love them today... if you feel it... express it.

Tonight, my sister knows that she is loved... and so do I. It feels good...and now I can sleep.

Goodnight Quicksilver One.

Math...

Polynomials, Quadratic equations, WHAT THE BLAZES WAS I THINKING?

Okay so I just finished one five-week course in college math, and after a one-week break, I now get to fire up the ol' noodle and start another one. Can I just tell you... I'm sick to my stomach? What in the world am I doing back in college? I'm too old for this. I'm too old for a LOT of what I'm doing lately, I think.

This is what happens though, when you don't go to college right out of high school. This is what happens when you're nearly thirty-six, and you've got to grow up. Mom of four kids, having to be an example, having to live the life even as I've got one graduating high school this year. My eldest and I could actually graduate college at the same time. Scary thought, that. I'm on a course to complete my BS in Business, with my major in Marketing from the University of Phoenix. At one point, I thought I wanted to be an engineer. Knowing tons of engineers in my current profession, I now know that I have WAY too much personality (and too much mouth) to be an effective engineer. I talk too much, I'm too loud, too brash, too bold, too extroverted...

Too everything.

But then again... I'm that way for a lot of people I guess, and not just engineers. I had a rough day at work today. There have been a few of those lately. I'm suffering from a lack of direction, and a lack of balance. I think my boss is as well, and he is taking it out on me. He and I are both Taureans, and we tend to take our frustrations out on one another. Unfortunately, those frustrations leave bruises that don't easily heal. He's been under a lot of pressure, and although he may end up a diamond... This lump of coal is being pulverized into dust.

Time to give up the hero worship, again. Time to move on, I think. He's a very good man and I'm just too emotionally fragile right now to take the bruising.

Then again, maybe I'm just in need of sleep... a rest before another day at work and before math class.

A lesson...

French Provincial:



French Whore:



Any questions?

Fixing things...

Sometimes I ramble on and on... to clear out the grey matter and keep the thoughts moving. I am the quintessential drama queen as well... and I like to hear myself talk. I do not need things fixed for me... many times I only need to hear the words to know how to proceed.

If I need help, I will ask. I don't need anyone to fix things for me, or take on responsibility for me and my emotions or my dramas. I do quite well by myself, thanks. I'm a big enough girl to just run my mouth... talk my way through a problem and then move the hell on...

And if not...then I'll scream for help.

If I'm not screaming... don't think you need to fix it for me. Because although I love you, it's not your job to fix me. Although I appreciate you and your efforts, you'll exhaust yourself trying to fix me. I'm too big a job to fix. Trust me on this one.

Just love me for all my failings and ignore a lot of my ramblings... pat me on the head... nod knowingly... and we'll move forward together. Does that work for you?

All you need is love...bum be da da dum
All you need is love...bum be da da dum...
All you need is love... love...
Love is all you need.

With all due respect to the Beatles....

My ass.

Love? You need a heck of a lot more than love. I'm a HUGE fan of love, believe me. I'm one of those hopeless, helpless, fanatical romantics.... but right now love is wreaking total havoc in my life. I married a really great guy. We have four great kids. Okay, so they drive us a little nuts at times, and our lives are a whirlwind of... LIFE STUFF...

And somewhere along the line, love got lost.

Not that I don't love him.... but what happened to being IN love? Where does that feeling go? That connection...that pull... that soul bond... was it ever really there, did I imagine it?

Can one recapture what is lost? Is it truly lost...or just hidden away....

Falling in love is rather like an avalanche... or having a piano dropped on your head. I personally don't believe you can help who you fall in love with, or when it happens. Falling in love... a choice? Not for this girl. Souls are connected on a plane that our conscious minds cannot fathom. Ever meet someone and know an instant click with them? How about an instant dislike? Your soul knows theirs... and either likes them... or doesn't. For me, maybe it's because I'm musical, I tend to have a little soundtrack running through my head when that "click" happens. I meet a a soul-bond and the symphony starts playing inside my head... and it won't be denied.

But does one recapture the music once the soundtrack stops playing? Does the orchestra play an encore, after the act has ended?

I don't know.... I honestly don't.

In other news.... I got an A in Math.

Desperado.... why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences.... open the gate
It may be rainin'... but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you
Before it's too late.
~The Eagles "Desperado"

So this weekend, I bought some new music. New... as in Jason Mraz "Waiting for My Rocket to Come" and The Eagles 2-CD set "The Very Best Of". I happen to LOVE the Eagles, and being a singer this new acquisition will either please my co-workers or make them very unhappy. I tend to sing as I work. The most unnerving cut for them on this set is "Please come home for Christmas," which I have already caught myself belting out...

BELLS WILL BE RINGING....
THE SAD, SAD NEWS...
OOOOHHHHHH WHAT A CHRISTMAS...
TO HAVE THE BLUUUUUES.

Nevermind that it's April, and 80 degrees.

I do like to keep things interesting around here.

Winning....

Whoever said "it isn't whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game" obviously didn't win a lot....

Because winning is FUN. It IS about winning, really. Ky's team won again today, and in winning, I am seeing my child blossom.

A little history... and bear with me, gentle reader... because I am about ready to spout off and be very protective of a child who is the most precious thing in my life. (YES, they're ALL the most precious thing in my life... so sue me)

This child has been playing soccer since the age of four. She loves the game, has risen through the ranks to the "select" level where she travels now....playing at a higher level of competition. She's not ready for the Olympics or anything (Heck she's only eleven and a half) but she does love the game, and sports in general...

Unfortunately, she's also learned some pretty ugly lessons along the way. Like how catty and ugly people can be. Like how stupid parents can be when they think their child is the next Mia Hamm, or David Beckham (for those of you who don't know who those folks are... check out the Google link) She and our family were slaughtered and tossed out like yesterday's garbage for a "better" coach, a "better" organization, a "better" idea.... and my daughter got hurt in the process.

What ended up happening was tragic. My child nearly gave up the game she loved. Her father ended up leaving the team he founded so that she had a place to play given her expanding talents... her ego was left shattered and she questioned if she ever really had any gifts at all for this game, or if we, her parents had been lying to her the entire time.... Parents on her old team decided they wanted a coaching change, they wanted a "better" way... and so it was out with the old and in with the new... no matter who got hurt.

My kid got hurt. That pissed me off.

She ended up leaving the team, trying out for a few others, and making her own decision as to where she wanted to play. Her dad doesn't coach... her mom doesn't manage. We cheer for her just like regular parents....(Notice I didn't say "normal"... that would be too much of a stretch for us)

Her new team is marvelous. Fits her like a glove.... she belongs there. The girls are fantastic; they respect her, she respects them. Her new coaching team (two women) see her for what she is, a hard working, talented athlete, an unselfish, gifted player, and an ASSET to a group of other gifted players. I see the return of my child, the spark, the jump, the energy... she plays with purpose. She takes the field with gusto, and shows a joy and a confidence. It is HER game, and it is her day to win. Carpe Diem.. she siezes the day, every day... she and her teammates as they play the game they love.

It is about how she plays the game.... and wins. My daughter is winning her own personal battle each and every moment she is on that field. It's not easy being a pre-teen girl. Heck, it's not easy being the Mom of a pre-teen girl... but seeing the joy on my daughter's face at the end of a day like today sure makes it worth it.

Congrats, Stretch. Mom is proud of you.

Weekend football

Okay, maybe I should call this the ramblings of a soccer mom. You see, my daughter is a soccer player.... actually I have two daughters who play. My six year old plays, as does my nearly 12 year old. That elder one is a select level player...and we spend our weekends on travel games with her.

It's been a tumultuous year, she's changed teams, had some emotional upheaval... and now we're starting all over again. However this weekend we're in a doubleheader and she's proving to be a leader on this team.

Saturday was a 5-0 win... today hopefully will add another to the W column. I (as her mother) hope for another notch in her self-esteem. It's amazing what emotions boil beneath the surface of not only my pre-teen, but her mom as well, after all she's been through. It's amazing the tiger unleashed in both of us during the crisis we've both weathered.

So send up a good thought? True it's only a game on the field... but inside her psyche it's so much more.

Will update later.

Since my sisters have moved their blogs here, and since I often talk to myself anyway.... this seemed like the thing to do. Now let's see if I can keep it up.