I miss me. I miss the girl I was. I miss the me I know I can be.

But I am losing her. She is dying a very painful death..... not on the outside, where I look fine and everything is grand, but on the inside, where every moment, every attack, every jab causes just a little more of her life's blood to drain from her.

I miss that girl, and I weep for the woman she will never be.

When I said "I do"... I don't remember also saying "I give up." Damn those loose translations.

Yet another random personality thingie:

What Planet Are You From?


this quiz was made by The Autist Formerly Known As Tim

Blogging for fun and profit...

Yeah, that's it. That's what I need to do. Because I cannot really put my thoughts here can I? Expose myself to ridicule, to exposure, to being so very vulnerable?

Me?

Nah.

I will instead retreat to the act, the shell, the me that everyone knows. It's safer. All flash and charisma and no substance. That's the girl they all know and love.

And inside, the real me withdraws further, shrinks backward into it's shell, and becomes a tiny point of light, until someday... I will disappear altogether.

Fits my archangel mentality lately:

Angel Style by greymentality
Name/Username
First Impression from Others	Others are overwhelmed by your beauty
Your Core	You want to spread the beauty of the great Voice
Potential to Stray from the Light: 91%
Your Weakness	You barge into battles too heavily.
Your Strength	You were picked to weild the flaming sword.
Your Wings	Dark black, raven shine
Your Focus	Freedom
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Okay this one made me giggle:

LOOK OUT! ïòð

Emerald is a radioactive squirrel!!

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

What kind of Vampire would you be? by bastardlove
What is your real name?
What is your sex?
Bloodline-	Turned Blood
Clan-	Lutador,Violent Bloodthristy
Age-	800
Bloodlust-	Girly, less than 100
Style-	Gothic, Old school.
Dark gift-	Telekenesis (move objects)
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Bear with me, I have to try them all:

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Loyalty
In a survival situation, you:	Outsmart your attacker
Your hidden talent is:	Seeing the best in others
Your gift is:	Ability to acquire wealth
In groups, you:	Feel uncomfortable
Your best quality is:	Your compassion
Your weakness is:	Being unforgiving
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Just some goofy stuff:

E	Edgy
M	Mystical
E	Extreme
R	Realistic
A	Appealing
L	Lucky
D	Dreamy

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

*PRIMAL SCREAM*

Why oh why would anyone start out the day by being cranky with another person? WHY? Do they realize the effect that has on the person's entire day? Do they even care?

More later once I'm over it.

Retribution and birthdays should not be mixed.

But they were, most deviously, I might add. Okay, so I've been a little tied up. (Not literally, more's the pity.) My birthday was the thirteenth, and two weeks previously, I helped celebrate a very good friend's birthday by building a giant balloon cube enclosing his desk. It was art, I'm telling you, ART. Ten feet by six feet, floor to ceiling, filled with nearly eight hundred balloons.

Then he had to get even. I changed the lock on my office door, he got a key. I changed it again, and he went in through the drop ceiling. Never let it be said he's not determined. I arrived at the office to find my entire office wrapped in aluminum foil. Yes, aluminum foil. Desk, chairs, every picture, every object on the desk, EVERYTHING. I opened the door and it looked rather like the inside of a freezer. I could get a tan sitting at my desk. Pictures to come soon.

Work was non-existant that day, we ended up at my favorite Mexican restaurant for lunch, with about eighteen of my closest friends. Got flowers and great gifts, including a six pack of diet coke with lime (woo hoo!) and not one but TWO Corvettes to play with. Someone knows me well. After work, it was a rendezvous at the Tiki Bar for a gorgeous sunny afternoon of drinks and giggles with the girls. Sure, the guys were there too, but nothing beats the laughs I have with my girlfriends.

Friday found me at the mall spending my birthday money, and at Stretch's lacrosse game. Again it was VERY exciting. I'm starting to get the hang of said sport, and my daughter is good. Really good, that's not just her proud Mama talking. She scored on a penalty shot to tie the game late, and her team ended up finishing tied after an impressive second half rally. Saturday saw Mads playing soccer early. She didn't score, but had a good game nonetheless. The grownups went out to see the movie "Troy" on Saturday night. Good movie.

Brad Pitt naked. Yum-mm-my. It was inspired by the Illiad. Please note I say "inspired by" and not "taken from." The screenwriters took MANY liberties. So if you see it, go into it with an open mind, do not be upset that it does not follow the Illiad, just enjoy it as it's own story. Oh, and do enjoy Brad naked. Orlando Bloom is pretty hot too.

Sunday, Stretch had a soccer game, which her team won 3-0. That puts them in second place! Woo hoo! She's having a very good season, her coach and teammates love her, and she them. I couldn't ask for more.

So it's now Monday and I am back to the gym. I have been slacking of late and although the scale has been okay, my clothes aren't fitting the way I want them to, so bright and fuzzy I was on the treadmill, and crunching those abs. I have a fitness goal to achieve by the end of 2004, and I WILL make it.

So how's that for disappearing and then having much to say? Only about ten more days of class to go too! Goodbye math!

And goodbye gentle reader... for now anyway.

Okay, so things are REALLY busy. Much to tell and not nearly enough time to do it all. Somewhere, on some plane, I'm convinced that my alter ego is kicking back, eating bonbons and has NOTHING to do. She's also fabulously skinny with huge boobs, but hey, that's another post altogether.

School is churning right along, I raised the second math grade from a B to an A. Lord but I hate math right now. It's like purgatory. If there is a hell, it's filled with polynomials and quadratic equations. Still and all, a few more weeks and I'll be done with math, and can get back to words!

Mads scored in her soccer game! This means she's got 4 goals in 4 games. Amazing stuff. The child found her coordination, and is now unstoppable.

Stretch had a good lacrosse game, they won big on Saturday, and then she was asked to stay and play in a following game. Needless to say she slept really well on Saturday night. Soccer on Sunday found them playing the first place team and winning! What a gift for Mother's Day. Down 2-0 at the half, the girls rallied and won 3-2. They're ecstatic, and so are their parents. Amazing how tied up we get in our kids' fun and games.

On an artistic note, Stretch had an audition for a musical. Singing, dancing and acting, she was asked to stick around for further reads... we'll hear something soon, I hope. She's very excited. She also had her violin concert last week, and will probably move up to first chair for second violin next year. She's a pretty well rounded individual, even if she does want to always do it all. I think she gets that from her father. *wink*

I don't like the word "probably" anymore. I'd prefer "most definitely is" or "most definitely is not."

Less disconnected today. It was a busy afternoon with news that needed sharing. When support came it was swift, wrapping me up in it's web and keeping me safe. That's the thing about a crisis or stressful time.... when you need your friends, your connections, they renew, revive, restore. I needed, intensely... and I received in abundance.

I most definitely do not like being unsure. I most definitely do not like being scared. I most definitely am not ready to face a battle. I am most definitely unsettled.

Tonight went to Wal-Mart. Got caught in a "code black." I can hear it now..."what the hell is a code black?" We had a tornado supposedly in the area, so everyone in WM was shuffled back (rather like cattle or sheep) into the Domestics department (think bedspreads and sheets) to wait it out. They wanted no one near the windows, all electronics were turned off, etc. It was exciting anyway. Mads got a little anxious, but we turned it into a game, and within 20 minutes or so, we were released to check out and go home.

I was again Mother of the Year in the dinner department. Too late to cook, too much homework, and too much stress, combined for a night of fast food. Thankfully, the kids are jocks and they'll burn that crap off. Mom however, will have to walk FOUR miles tomorrow night.

I will "probably" sleep. I am just hoping for more than three hours tonight. The body is not adjusting well to this level of activity vs. rest.

And I will definitely worry.

Everything

I can be an a**hole of the grandest kind
I can withold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby
And you've never met anyone
As negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I'm the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
As positive as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive agressiveness can be devistating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone who's closed down as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I am the funniest woman that you've ever known
I am the dullest woman that you've ever known
I am the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here
And you're still here
And you're still here

~Alanis Morissette

I have to stop listening to music when I'm in these moods.

"If you cook a huge gourmet dinner, and invite a hundred friends, and do not take a plate for yourself... you still end up hungry."

Insomnia struck last night, couldn't get to sleep, then couldn't sleep well at all. Today is a plethora of things to digest, both intellectual and emotional.

Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores
~Garth Brooks "The River"

I'm very tired.

First things first...I am digging some new music. Hoobastank's "The Reason" and Los Lonely Boys' "Heaven", also Toby Lightman's "Devils and Angels." Good stuff. My friend Jenni is a radio chick like I used to be and her station is playing some really good stuff lately. She and I have been talking back and forth about men and life and just general girlie girl crap. It feels good. Funny thing about radio people, they spend so much time being good on the air (by this I mean watching their language) that when they get off the air, most of them (us) have mouths like sailors. I left the 'biz five years ago and still fall into the habit. Good thing she and I know how to behave when we're out in public. Check Jenni out HERE.

Secondly, again a mixed bag in the sports department. Stretch continues to amaze me and not always in a good way. Lacrosse game on Friday night, she scored two goals! YAY Stretch! She was pumped and so was I. I still don't quite "get" the game yet, but we're working on it. I am ordering help from the good folks at Amazon. Stretch didn't have such a good soccer day on Sunday, she was just really off her game. The team tied a game they should have won. On the up side, at least it wasn't a loss, but she came off the pitch very emotional, knowing she didn't play well. She lashed out at her father and me, blaming us for "coaching" her from the sidelines. In reality, she was angry at herself and we knew it, so did she. She's not practicing as hard as she used to. Part of that is the new coach has a different philosophy, part of it is her schedule being so full, part of it is that she's nearly twelve and the hormones have kicked in. I don't know. As a mediocre athlete who got by on heart, I know you play the way you practice, and she's not playing well because she's not practicing well. She's going to have to want it. Dad and Mom can't do that for her.

Mads scored in her game on Saturday. She's now scored in all three of her games. Of course it's a little easier when you're six and there's no goalie. Stretch wasn't screamingly supportive.

On the behavior front... yeeeeeeeeesh. The teen is in yet another "dark and moody" phase. They apparently never end. She spends most of her time in her room in the basement, on the phone. She comes up for food and then disappears again. She flunked her German final, which means she will not graduate high school without re-taking it, passing, and then getting some scheduling help from the high school.

Stretch was in pre-teen PMS, with the weekend being an emotional rollercoaster ride. Friday night was one of those thrilling highs (thank you lacrosse!) then Saturday she was generally grumpy and abusive, yelling at her younger siblings, switching to sunny happiness, then back to sad and emotional ("you love Mads more than me"). It was exhausting. Sunday was more of the same, especially given the soccer game.

Speaking of Mads, she had selective hearing and spent quite a bit of time arguing with the boy. She also gave herself a haircut. Mom is NOT pleased. She whacked off a chunk on the very TOP of her head. It now sticks straight up. She also has decided that it's okay to not listen to her parents. Very dangerous habit, that.

And the boy is the boy. He's a three year old tazmanian devil who NEVER stops, and he argues with his sisters and then turns those big eyes on them and says "I love you!" He's also trying to get himself adopted by the neighbors at the end of the street. They took him to dinner on Friday night. He's hardheaded and busy and argumentative and sweet and cute and a general PITA. But, he's the boy.

Home is home. The new office is shaping up beautifully. Spouse got his hair cut. I just want some order back in the living areas of the house so we can actually....LIVE. And somewhere, the emotions need to start feeling more like a gentle flowing stream rather than the constant grade 3 rapids.